I poked back through some old posts of mine and found this gem from November 2010: "I don't want to spend every day trying to prove myself. I don't want to spend every day wondering if today he'll finally love me as much as he did before he got to know me." But that is how I spent every day. For over a year after that. What the actual fuck? And then, of course, this, from May 2010: "two years... ... I wasted. after two paralyzing years, I exhaled. stale air crept from my lungs as I groped in the dark, instincts slowly returning. and as fresh breath filled every newly-awakened cell in my body, I closed my eyes. I'm ready for the changes I've set in motion." I was so happy. I was so ready. I was so sure it would be wonderful, that it would change my life, that I'd finally found what I was missing... dear god, how could I have been so horrifically wrong? And then I keep going, and I see the optimism and inevitable letdowns from other relationships, over and over again. Time after time, the cycle repeats itself and I'm fucked. I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what I need to do differently. I'm sick of wasting time and energy. | 